The Manners Mom

2006-12-15T11:42:00.000-08:00

Hang Up And...

Drive? Give me eye contact? Rejoin the real world? Know what I mean? What is wrong with people and their need to talk on their cell phones RIGHT NOW! Today, I was in Circuit City, with all of the holiday shoppers, and ahead of me in line was a young lady, chatting away on her cell phone. It was her turn to check out and did she hang up and move ahead? Nope. She moved ahead but she kept the phone cradled between her chin and shoulder, and kept on chatting. Her transacation took, maybe, two minutes, yet she didn't have the common courtesy to give the cashier any eye contact or wish him a Happy Holiday as he wished to her, as she walked away, still on the phone. She could have stopped talking on her cell for two minutes, only two minutes, and just that little act would have made someone's world a better place. Note to Santa: I want that bumper sticker that says "Hang Up and Drive." Oh and can you bring headsets to all the other jerks who continue to drive using their handheld phones, even though it's against the law in a lots of places now? Thanks.

2006-12-14T07:09:00.000-08:00

Are You Going to Be On Your Best Behavior?

I love having houseguests. It's exciting having someone stay with us, especially if they've got kids, which means that my kids now have playdate material for as long as the guests stay. One of the reasons I love houseguests is I seem to host the most polite people ever. If you want your hosts to say the same about you, here are some things that you can do to make your stay less of a burden:

First, offer to help out around the house. Does the dishwasher need unloading? Do you have a load of laundry that needs folding? Can I take the dog for a walk? Help with little tasks can go a long way.

Next, pick up the tab for a meal. You don't have to order in anything fancy or go out to an expensive restaurant. Just ask your hosts if you can have pizza or Chinese food one night--and then offer to pay for it.

In addition, always respect the house rules. If the kids go to bed early or sleep late, don't turn on the TV full blast while everyone else is snoozing. Also, if you smoke, take your butts outside--unless someone has told you specifically that smoking indoors is OK.

Finally, when you leave, strip the bed before you go. It makes it easy for the host to throw in a load of laundry, and she'll just be tickled pink that your made the effort.

2006-12-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

Hosting the Houseguest from Hell? Here's How to Deal.

Recently, someone emailed me at my website Gifts and Etiquette to ask for advice on how to deal with the houseguests from hell. It seems that friends who had stayed with this person before--and were planning to stay with them again this year--had done everything they could to annoy their hosts. They got red wine on a white carpet. They ripped the silk throw pillows in the guest room. They brought food to places around the house, where food didn't belong--and the host only discovered this fact after following a march of ants to a previously unseen pile of food.

Given that probably millions of folks will be hosting houseguests in the next few weeks, I thought it was a good time to offer advice to the HOSTS on how best to prepare for your guests and how you can politely do end runs around impolite houseguests.

For starters if there is anything treasured, delicate or priceless in the guest room, get it out of there. You can't expect your guests to know that the tea cup set on the shelf is a prized possession that's been passed down for generations. Why risk having someone bump and break it?!

If you don't like people to have food or drink in places other than the kitchen or dining room, state so upfront. There's no reason to silently steam as you watch your houseguest balance an overflowing bowl of cereal into his room. For the woman that had written to me for advice, I offered her this suggestion for stopping food from getting into the guest room--she should intervene with a self-deprecating comment like, “I’m sorry but I’m so anal that I can’t have food anywhere in the house except the kitchen and dining room.” Then I suggested she add something like, “I don’t even let my husband eat chips while watching the ball game.” Then gently remove the glass from the person’s hands (assuming they give it up easily) and say, “I’ll bring this back down to the kitchen for you. Would you like a refill when you get there?”

Give your guest a quick tour on where everything she needs can be found--towels, soap, shampoo, toothpaste, toilet paper etc. This will help avoid any uncomfortable situations of your thinking that your guest was snooping when, in fact, she was just looking for a replacement roll of TP.

Finally, if there is any food in the refrigerator that's off limits, let your guests know that. A woman wrote me once to ask how she should handle the fact that her houseguest ate the birthday cake that she'd baked for her husband's birthday--and the cake hadn't even been cut into yet.

Tomorrow, I'll offer advice for houseguests on how to be on their best behavior so that they get invited back next year.

2006-12-08T06:39:00.000-08:00

Take It Outside Will You, or Part Two on What Not To Do at a Holiday Concert

So last night was my kids' holiday concert. For the first time that I can remember, the string section didn't sound like nails on a chalk board, and the choir actually appeared to be singing in tune. Too bad I couldn't enjoy either part of the concert, though, thanks to a gaggle of teenagers who stood in the back of the auditorium and chatted throughout the musical selections. At least two parents asked them to keep it down or take their conversation outside, but they just continued to talk. What, did their parents raise them to believe that they can ignore an adult's request to keep it down? Or did their parents never explain to them that talking during a performance is simply bad form. Speaking of their parents they were nowhere to be seen, until after the house lights came up. If it wasn't rude of me to do so, I would have given those moms and dads a piece of my mind about their children's behavior and how they should have raised them to know better. But I wanted to take the high road and remain the polite one, so I put on my coat and walked out. However, on the car ride home, I gave my own children (who were up on stage at the time) a stern reminder on what not to do during someone else's concert. Hopefully, in the future, they'll understand that concerts are for listening to, not a time to gossip with your girlfriends.

2006-12-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

Will Your Toddler Ruin the Solo? How to Behave at School Concerts So Your Kids Will, Too

Tonight is my eldest daughter's school concert, and I can't wait to see her up on the stage. What I'm not looking forward to, though, are the parents who still haven't figured out how to behave at a school concert. Never mind the cell phones they forget to turn off, what about the younger sibling they let run rampant throughout the auditorium? Or the crying child that they don't take outside, because they don't want to miss their other child's big moment? The best, though, is the videotaping parent who sets up a camera on a tripod, in the middle of the auditorium, and in the middle of the aisle. In doing so, he's blocked everyone sitting behind him and to his side, leaving them to crane their necks to see the stage. If you've really gotta tape the concert, set up your equipment in the back, and use the zoom lens. And if you bring younger siblings to the concert and they start acting out, intervene. Otherwise, you're wrecking the experience for everyone else.

2006-12-05T07:58:00.000-08:00

Making Sure Your Greeting Cards Are Greeted Warmly And Not Tossed in the Trash

I was just reading a story on greeting card etiquette and I have to say that I was a bit surprised. Surprised not that there is an etiquette to sending greeting cards--this, I know--but that one of the potential etiquette faux pas seemed to be a no-brainer. This one suggestion was to make sure that you send your cards by first-class mail so that they arrive in a timely manner. How else are you supposed to send cards? Carrier pigeon? Other than that idea, the tips are all well worth repeating: make sure you choose an appropriate card for the occasion, always sign your name to personalize your sentiments, and proofread your handwritten greetings before sealing the envelope.

2006-12-04T07:12:00.000-08:00

Ambush Gift Giving at the Holidays

I'll bet that sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas, someone is going to show up with a gift for you--and you'll have nothing to give that person in return. Suddenly, you'll find yourself in a gift-giving quandary that has stumped people for ages. What do I do? Do I run and find something I can wrap quickly so I have something to give that person? Do I refuse the gift because I have nothing to give in return? Do I accept the gift and pretend the whole thing didn't happen?

*This* is what I call ambush gift-giving. It's when you receive a gift unexpectedly, and you're not quite sure what to do. It happens most commonly during the holidays, say, when your neighbors decide to spread good cheer by going door to door with bottles of wine, and you hadn't planned to do anything at all for them. Here's how I recommend handling such situations.

First, don't hide your surprise at receiving the gift--staying true to your feelings makes them seem more genuine. You should accept the gift gracefully, and then say something like, "I'm so surprised. I didn't expect this. Thank you. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't have anything to give you in return." To which you might want to add, "Just yet."

Next, you should plan to stock up on festive yet inexpensive gifts that you can share with your neighbors. Freshly baked cookies, poinsettias, boxes of candy, bottles of wine or CDs of holiday music are all gifts that qualify. These will also double nicely as hostess gifts for any get togethers to which you are invited during the holiday season.

Finally, once you've got your gift supply in hand, either make the effort to bring these gifts by to your neighbors--even the ones that you hadn't planned on gifting but including them would be the right thing to do. Or, keep your gifts on hand for the next natural time that you would see neighbors, such as a neighborhood tree trimming, so you can give a gift to those who have brought gifts by for you.

2006-12-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

Real Estate Etiquette

These days, when it comes to real estate, it is definitely a buyers' market. Unlike a few years ago when houses were selling in days, even hours, nowadays homes are sitting longer--and buyers are feeling the freedom to be picky about which house they want to buy. How do I know this? Well, I've been trying to sell my house for almost three months now. This time last year, homes in my neighborhood sold in about 7 days.

Truth is, I have no problem with buyers having the upperhand--heck, I'm a buyer, too, which is why I'm trying to sell my house. However, with the changing real estate landscape, it seems that some real estate agents/brokers have forgotten some simple real estate etiquette--especially when it comes to showings.

For starters, have good manners and show up when you say you're going to be there for a house showing. Please don't forget that home showings disrupt the lives of the folks selling their house, meaning that they've got to leave, often at inconvenient times, to make way for the buyers. If you've stated a specific window of time that you're going to be bringing a client through, do respect that and don't show up 40 minutes after the window has closed and the sellers have returned home, only to race out again when you ring the bell.

Next, if you've got to cancel, call and let someone know as early as possible. Just recently I'd vacated my house for an hour for a showing, only to get a call about five minutes before I was going home that the showing had been cancelled 45 minutes earlier.

When you do go through a house for a showing, please leave a business card behind to show that you were, in fact, there during your designated time. This seems like such a simple thing to ask, yet so many brokers who have bought potential buyers through my house leave with nary a trace of their presence. Since I can't count on the left-behind business card anymore, I've taken to slipping tiny pieces of paper in my front door as I'm locking up. If I return home and the paper comes floating out, I know no one has been there. But if the paper is gone, I know I'm free and clear.

Finally, please call the seller's broker ASAP with feedback--even if it's to say your clients aren't sure how they feel about the house and that you'll be back in touch. It's a simple courtesy to the broker and the homeowner that opened her house to your client, so please let them know what's going on, as soon as you possibly can.

2006-11-30T08:57:00.000-08:00

How to Behave at the Office Holiday Party

If you are someone's employee, chances are that some time in December you're going to be invited to--and will attend--an office holiday party. These are usually festive gatherings where employees can let down their hair, but hopefully not so much that they ruin their professional reputation. In fact, if you're not careful, you could easily break the unwritten rule of office holiday party etiquette. What, you had no idea that there was an etiquette to an office party? In fact, there is, and as long as you keep these do's and don'ts in mind, you shouldn't end up embarrassed at work the next day because of how you behaved at the party:
* Do drink responsibly. No, I'm not trying to be your mother here, but if you keep alcohol to a minimum, you'll have an easier time controlling your behavior.
* Don't hit on any of your colleagues. I don't care how much you're crushing on the cute guy from IT. The office holiday party is not the time to go off to the coat closet and get busy. (Granted, I'm not sure when it ever is appropriate to visit said coat closet but you get my drift, right?)
* Do dress festively yet professionally. That is, ladies don't show too much cleavage or leg, but don't cover up in head to toe taffeta either. Find your happy medium. Men, well, you can probably just stick with your suit but maybe find a collared shirt in any other color than white. But forget the blinking Rudolf tie or the tie with Santa saying something dirty on it. In fact, you should never been seen in public in those.
* Don't spend the whole night talking business or sucking up to your boss. You should have fun, enjoy your colleagues' company, and be thankful that you work for a company that still throws a holiday party. (Many did away with them due to budget cuts.) Also, you don't want everyone to leave the party thinking of you as a bore or a brown nose.
* Finally, do RSVP to the holiday party invitation, if that is required. There's no easier way to display a lack of manners than ignoring an RSVP request, and then showing up unannounced. That will not help you get promoted.

2006-11-29T05:23:00.000-08:00

Breaking Up by Text Message

When it comes to manners, I'll often say, "Now I've heard it all." Well, now I really think that I have heard it all. Yesterday, my local paper ran a wire story on the etiquette of breaking up by text message. Why is this newsworthy? It seems this is how Britney Spears let her (now ex) husband Kevin Federline know that she was filing for divorce. (His new moniker of Fed Ex seems appropriate, by the way, but I digress.) But back to the issue at hand--the etiquette of breaking up by text. Excuse me, but there is no etiquette to breaking up by text because, frankly, it isn't appropriate and it shouldn't be done. Just like firing someone by email isn't appropriate either. If you're in a relationship with someone, whether personal or professional, and you need to deliver bad news, have the cahones to do it in person. Or at the very least, pick up the phone but don't leave it on a voice mail if the person isn't there. You need to communicate with this person voice to voice--whether in person or in a live, real-time phone conversation. Not only is doing so good manners but, frankly, it's common sense as well.

2006-11-28T06:17:00.000-08:00

The Right Way to Regift

Regifting this holiday season? Well, you won't be alone. A new survey shows that nearly every other American out there has admitted to regifting. Hey, I'd be lying if I told you that I was the odd-regifter-out--I've definitely regifted in the past. Usually, this occurs when I receive duplicates of a gift and recognize immediately that someone else in my life would enjoy receiving this same gift. You see, I've put some thought into my regifting--I'm not doing it out of laziness. That said, if you're going to regift, you've got to do it carefully and thoughtfully. First, make sure that you don't regift back to the person who gave you the gift originally. (Keeping a log of who gave you what helps in this respect.) Second, dispose of any clues of where the gift originated, including wrapping paper bits, price tags and the like. Finally, rewrap the gift and add your own salutations. Happy regifting!

2006-10-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

Runaway Bride Etiquette...Or Lack Thereof

Who didn't hear in 2005 about Jennifer "The Runaway Bride" Wilbanks? You know, the Georgia woman who was so overwhelmed by her upcoming nuptials that she faked her own abduction and ended up in New Mexico? Well, after being sentenced to two years of community service for her "crime," she's back in the news again. This time it's because she's suing her ex-fiance Why? She wants him to give back some of the shower gifts--to her.

Any etiquette expert will tell you that when it comes to gifts and called-off weddings, there's only one "give back" that should occur, and that's to return the gifts to the people who gave them to you. Now maybe Wilbanks is planning on taking the gifts back, and then returning them to the folks that originally gave them to her. If so, then great. But why couldn't her ex-fiance do the returning for the both of them? Does she really need to sue him to get the job done? Or does she have other plans in mind for the gifts listed in her lawsuit--the vacuum cleaner, the comforter seat, and other comforts of home. Let's just hope that this time around she takes the high road--instead of the escape hatch.

2006-10-13T07:49:00.000-07:00

Helpful Hints for Halloween Etiquette

Soon enough little ghouls and goblins will be knocking at my door on Halloween night, and yours, too. Thankfully, I live in a neighborhood where parents supervise trick or treating, and houses don't get egged or TPed. Nonetheless, now seems like an excellent time to share some helpful hints on Halloween etiquette, which I would hope would be second-nature to most folks but, sadly, I don't think is.

First, make sure you remind your kids to say "thank you" after receiving their treats on Halloween. There have been times when children have said nothing or even made a face at me as I dropped goodies in their bag. I had to hold back from grabbing back my treat and saying, "Now on second thought, you don't deserve anything tonight except carrots." (OK, I really wouldn't give our carrots but you know what I mean.)

Second, there are times, at popular houses, where a line may form on the sidewalk up to the door. Remind your children that, just like in school or at the bus stop, they need to wait their turn and not cut in front of anyone--especially someone smaller or younger.

Third, do not ring and run. 'Nuff said on that one.

Finally, respect the "lights out" rule. That is, if someone has turned off his front porch light, that means that they're closed for Halloween. When my children were younger and needed to be in bed by 8, our porch light went off at 7:30. But people still came to the door and rang the bell up until 9 p.m., which resulted in my dog going barking crazy, and my kids being unable to calm down to go to sleep.

I hope you have a happy (and polite) Halloween!

2006-07-31T14:17:00.000-07:00

Birthday Party Invitation Etiquette

My kids will be going back to school shortly, but I'm still stinging from something that happened at the end of the last school year. My younger daughter received an invtation to a young friend's birthday party. It didn't arrive in the mail but on the bus. That is, her little friend was handing out invitations on the bus ride home from school. Thankfully, all the third grade girls on the bus were invited.

My eldest daugther wasn't so lucky. She's in class with the birthday girl's older sister, who happened to be having a birthday party on the same day as her sister. That meant that on the same day that her little sis was handing out invitations on the bus, the big sis was doing the same in her classroom. Except she wasn't inviting everyone, including my older daughter.

I don't expect that the elementary school social world will revolve around my kids but for Pete's sake, parents, if you're going to be handing out invitations in public, invite everyone in the class. Or, as the case may be in summer, the camp group. If you're not prepared to invite everyone, then mail the darn invitations and spare the feelings of the uninvited. How hard is it to find an envelope, a kid's address and a 39 cent stamp?

2006-07-20T10:21:00.000-07:00

Manners on the Line

Did you know that July is National Cell Phone Courtesy month? Truthfully, I wish every month were cell phone courtesy month, because I don't see a lot of courteous behavior with cell phones. For example, just because you're holding a cell phone to your ear doesn't mean that, instantly, you're in a sound-proof booth. Yes, we can all hear you and frankly, we wish we couldn't.

Also, I love the notion--and the bumper sticker--that says "Hang up and drive!" These days, when you see a slow-moving, weaving vehicle, chances are that the driver behind this erratic driving is talking on the phone and not drunk. The other day I pulled up to a red light and the woman in the SUV beside me had a cell phone in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She put neither down when the light turned green and she began to accelerate. What--was she driving with her knees?

People, let's please use common sense when it comes to your cell phone. Silence them in restaurants and movie theaters. If you must talk and drive, use a headset. And if you absolutely have to talk on the phone when others are around, exercise some discretion and keep it down.

2006-07-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

Sand and Swim Etiquette

I just came across an article in a Cape Cod newspaper on beach etiquette and I thought, great, let me hear what the folks in Massachusetts have to say about how not to be a chowderhead when you go to the beach. The story, however, was more on the environmental etiquette of going to the beach--you know, pick up your trash, don't walk on the dunes, and so on. Well, yes, that's important but so is some everyday beach etiquette that I wish people would get. This would include:

* keeping public displays of affection to a minimum, because swim trunks will do little to hide a rising flag pole;
* making sure that you accept the boom-box 80s are over and if you want to listen to music at the beach, get an iPod and ear buds, for gosh sake;
* shaking out your sandy towel or blanket away from people, not in their faces;
* trying to avoid taking people out with your boogie board as you ride in on the waves.

As a parent I'd also ask that other parents avoid dropping dirty diapers in the sand--and then forgetting them when they leave (that environmental notion of picking up your trash is relevant here!). Also, please don't let your child wander into the surf alone to build sand castles. I really don't want to spend a day at the beach trying to suppress my "fight or flight" instinct, because, at any minute, I might have to run into the water to save your almost drowning child.

2006-07-14T05:28:00.000-07:00

Summer Fashion Etiquette

The flip-flop flap. Do you remember that from last summer? It erupted when the Northwestern University girls' lacrosse team wore flip-flops to their photo-op at the White House. People were in an uproar that these young ladies would dress so casually when meeting the President. Etiquette experts like myself were left scratching our heads--wondering how the White House Protocol Office could have dropped the ball in NOT informing these guests ahead of time how to dress appropriately. I ended up getting interviewed on MSNBC and in USA Today about my thoughts on the issue, and I hope all of that media attention made some women think twice about wearing flip-flops to the office.

Well, here we are in the heat of summer again, and while flip-flops are still pervasive in the off-hours, they're not the fashion faux pas this summer. Instead, I'm seeing a lot of shorts during business hours. It seems that Seventh Avenue has deemed that Bermuda-like shorts worn with heels is fashion de rigeur this year. Many women are wearing them with cropped jackets to work dress things up a bit but, still, you're wearing shorts to work. And unless you work at Southwest Airlines, where khaki shorts are actually part of the uniform, I think that, like flip-flops, shorts should be left for weekend wear only.

Writer Jackie White of the Kansas City Star did a lovely job summing up the dos and don'ts of summer fashions in her recent story Fashion Etiquette: Office Cool.

Like Jackie I'd rather see women veer towards shoes with peekaboo toes than flip-flops any day. If you really want to bare your legs in a pair of those fashion-forward shorts, why not just go with a skirt instead? You'll look just as feminine and you won't raise any eyebrows in HR!

2006-07-07T12:48:00.000-07:00

Second Baby Showers

Have you noticed a trend in people having second baby showers? It really seems to rub some people the wrong way--especially if a friend or relative is crankin' out the kids and expecting a shower before each birth. Well, yeah, that would be a bit much. But if you're going to be a second-time-around mother and someone wants to shower you with a celebration, by all means enjoy it.

If for some reason you're invited to one of these second-baby showers and you're not sure how to handle the gift thing, here's what I suggest: bring just a small gift. I mean, really small, like a bib or a little stuffed animal—something that won’t put a huge dent in your budget. That way you won’t show up empty handed and you won’t feel taken advantage of in the gift-buying department.

On the other hand, if you're the one planning the shower and don't want to laden your friends with gift guilt, you could look at this second-baby shower as a chance to shower the mom with pampering or simply a lunch out with her girlfriends before her life gets so hectic that getting out of PJs before noon becomes a non-option.